Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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