NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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