I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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