Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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