just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize