The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Sext me about skeletons
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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