Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
