my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
