Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
