i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize