I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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