Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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