Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
