she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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