life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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