just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
