I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
