There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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