I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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