So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
