My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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