The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
