Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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