ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
