Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
