Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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