he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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