Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
