Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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