I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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