When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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