Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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