I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
