the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
