so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
