i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Green mimosas i think yes
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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