I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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