Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
