I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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