you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
