there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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