Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
