I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
