I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
