Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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