Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
