I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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