and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Houston, we have a blender
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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