I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
