these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
