Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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