guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
