I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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