Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
