I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
