New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
