Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
