Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
