I just threw up on my dentist
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
